Just over six years ago, Dr Lee walked into my room on 3B, about to give me the worst news of my life. This is a day I don’t like to remember. As sick and near death as I was you don’t forget a day like that.

I now work on this floor of the hospital. I have bad days here and there. When I walk past certain rooms where I myself have been the patient. Flash backs of me lying in that bed, unable to sit up let alone walk. With tears rolling down my face, glaring out into the hallway to see the fear in my family’s eyes. I sometimes forget how hard this has all been on my family as well. At the time of my diagnosis I never believed that I wouldn’t be cured. I was either naive or just in plain survival mode. It’s not until later, years later I began to realize how lucky I really am.

I spent January 14th at The Juravinski Cancer Centre, a place where I have been a frequent visitor lately. My bloodwork has been great. Ruxolitinib seems to be slowly helping my skin. So why do I dread going here so much. Why at 6 years post diagnosis am I still coming here monthly. I remember after my induction chemotherapy my Nurse Practitioner said, 2 years from now it will be like none of this ever happened. At the time I believed her. But it couldn’t be further from the truth.

In a way I’m glad I didn’t know how hard this was going to be. Once I recovered physically from my transplant, which took longer than I ever imagined, it was time to face the mental trauma. Six years later, fully cured of my original disease yet I still fear the future. There was a period of time after my transplant where I was convinced my Leukemia would come back. I tried to just live day by day and not plan ahead too far. Now I’m starting to realize that I am a cancer survivor. If anything is going to kill me, its my ever wandering mind.

I’ve accomplished so much in the last few years. I have many things to be proud of. But something is missing. The fact that I will never be able to have children of my own has made a great impact on my dating life. This seems to be an issue for many people. I can’t blame them. What sane person doesn’t want a family of their own one day.

I feel very isolated at times because of what I’ve been through. I know my life is going to be a little bit different than most and it’s most likely not going to be smooth sailing. But that’s better than the alternative.