Just over six years ago, Dr Lee walked into my room on 3B, about to give me the worst news of my life. This is a day I don’t like to remember. As sick and near death as I was you don’t forget a day like that.
I now work on this floor of the hospital. I have bad days here and there. When I walk past certain rooms where I myself have been the patient. Flash backs of me lying in that bed, unable to sit up let alone walk. With tears rolling down my face, glaring out into the hallway to see the fear in my family’s eyes. I sometimes forget how hard this has all been on my family as well. At the time of my diagnosis I never believed that I wouldn’t be cured. I was either naive or just in plain survival mode. It’s not until later, years later I began to realize how lucky I really am.
I spent January 14th at The Juravinski Cancer Centre, a place where I have been a frequent visitor lately. My bloodwork has been great. Ruxolitinib seems to be slowly helping my skin. So why do I dread going here so much. Why at 6 years post diagnosis am I still coming here monthly. I remember after my induction chemotherapy my Nurse Practitioner said, 2 years from now it will be like none of this ever happened. At the time I believed her. But it couldn’t be further from the truth.
In a way I’m glad I didn’t know how hard this was going to be. Once I recovered physically from my transplant, which took longer than I ever imagined, it was time to face the mental trauma. Six years later, fully cured of my original disease yet I still fear the future. There was a period of time after my transplant where I was convinced my Leukemia would come back. I tried to just live day by day and not plan ahead too far. Now I’m starting to realize that I am a cancer survivor. If anything is going to kill me, its my ever wandering mind.
I’ve accomplished so much in the last few years. I have many things to be proud of. But something is missing. The fact that I will never be able to have children of my own has made a great impact on my dating life. This seems to be an issue for many people. I can’t blame them. What sane person doesn’t want a family of their own one day.
I feel very isolated at times because of what I’ve been through. I know my life is going to be a little bit different than most and it’s most likely not going to be smooth sailing. But that’s better than the alternative.
One Day At A Time 
Hey Dear Candace-
So happy the Ruxolitinib is helping!
I felt both happy and sad when I read, “If anything is going to kill me, its my ever wandering mind.”. I feel a deep sense of compassion for the pain that the fearful mind brings you. I so deeply want you to be free of the suffering that comes from the mind. Minds are really good at spinning endless streams of stories (some true, some not) that can cause fear, anxiety and worry.
For me, the best and most healthy and nourishing way to deal with ‘mind monkeys’ can be found in mindfulness practices. I hope you discover some kind of practice for taming this… there are LOTS of resources out there…. If you can, do a retreat that focuses on mindful practice, compassion and “metta” or gratitude practice.
As I sit here writing I think of my beloved Deb Hubsmith who was not so fortunate after her BMT, as you know. But, her spiritual orientation carried her through the BMT failure and through the loss of all that she loved in life including her body which withered away until her passing on August 18, 2015. I imagine she is rooting for you to be healthy AND happy!!!!
The reason (above) I said I feel happy when I saw your sentence about your wandering mind is that that sentence reflects a growing awareness that you now have about your mind. This awareness is the key to not being imprisoned by quality of mind that spins endless thoughts of negativity. If you catch the often repetitive thoughts before they dominate you thinking, you can be free of the minds tendency to cause suffering. Sometimes we hold them like drifting clouds in the sky, allowing them to simple drift away (no force necessary). The thoughts are just thoughts and if you are not attached to them, you will not suffer. It’s that simple.
Cultivating gratitude is a great remedy to the fear/worry mind.
I hope this is ok to share, dear friend and I hope you find a way to shine your love-light bright on all of your family and friends and on the world. You have been through so much pain and suffering and have been on the edge of death. You have so, so much to give and share in this world dear friend!!! Perhaps one day you may even see this crazy, painful, intense, scary and trying journey as a blessing!
Big love and blessings on your path, Candace!
Andy
PS I love Jack Kornfield’s book, Path with Heart… check it out and see if it resonates. The book has principles that come from Buddhism but it’s not a religious book but a practical series of stories and teachings for cultivating a wise, insightful and awakened heart.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Andy,
I’m so glad you keep up with my journey. I never met Deb but felt a great connection with her. I still think of her from time to time. Thank you so much for sharing, will have to check it out.
LikeLike